Trans What?

I have long heard this ugly word 'Transgender', which sounds like being run over by a muscle car, and I thought it meant something in particular which certainly did not apply to me. (The colloquialism for it is horrid: Tranny.) But I discovered recently that the meaning has expanded like a dying star and now encompasses nearly everyone short of Rambo or Mae West. In particular it has nothing to do with sexual preference, or appearance preferences. It is "a state of mind", basically, which means that one feels that not all of ones 'assigned' gender traits quite fit. But who did the assigning, or said what traits are the correct ones?
I happen to think that skirts are comfortable, particularly when sitting for long periods of time, or walking outdoors. I think the men of Scotland and the police officers of Myanmar would agree. I also like bangles, because they are a symbol of Hetaira, and I enjoy painting my toenails; it is very calming. But I have no interest in anything else to do with stereotypical female appearance. It is not so much an issue for me of looking like something (eg: a woman) as to do with what I like. Makeup is fun too, when I go out dancing, not to be seen a certain way, but to express something. Who doesn't enjoy Halloween or April Fools Day? There is that old song, Every Day Is Halloween. That's it.
Shoot, another icky word sticks to me like a diagnosis! Why are there no swear words for GOOD things? UTZ on!

Loss of What?

[This is an update to the Troth page] I heard an interesting phrase the other day: "Loss of Consortium". The dictionary defines Consortium as "the legal right of a spouse to the company, affection and service of the other." I had some thoughts: Can we define a right to affection? Is there a legal right to having your spouse sleep in the same bed with you? (I ask because to me, marriage has two irreplaceable elements: frequent sex and sharing a bed, because I can't get those from anyone else.) Where does sexuality fall in the three rights? Is it Affection? A Service? All of them? Can you sue for "specific performance"? (You will be affectionate towards me!) This sounds like a contract that only has meaning if one party defaults. (But isn't that true of all contracts?) If the two spouses differed in the extent to which they offered or felt a need for any of these 3 (or what-all else is covered by them) what then? Who decides if someone has "given enough"? This arises from a situation of excluding others. No one would lack for company, affection or service if they were not exclusive: we have created a problem that we can't solve. You don't have to force people to care for each other if they do, and cannot if they don't.

Name

Until recently, the Mystic facet stubbornly refused to suggest a name for himself. But I came across this German word which means 'sanctuary': Heiligtum. I found it in Schiller's Ode to Joy which is sung in Beethoven's 9th Symphony. It has always fascinated me, but I received a boxed set of all of the Beethoven symphonies as a gift and it includes commentary and the words and translation. I can't think of a more appropriate name for this aspect of myself.

To err is human

... but to apologize takes some finesse. A long time ago, my wife pointed out to me when I said, "Sorry!" that this was a statement of how I felt, and not an apology. (She doesn't recall this conversation.) So, I took it to heart: I'm sorry and I apologize are two entirely different things! Sometimes the other person doesn't really care how I feel about it, they just want me to admit responsibility and intend to do better. (There are said to be five modes of apology, as there are said to be five ways of demonstrating love. They seem like good theories.)
Another wrinkle is that people typically bristle if they have experienced a loss and someone says, "I'm so sorry". They might snap: "Why? You didn't do it!" But this is another misunderstanding. "I am sorry" literally means: I am filled with sorrow, which is perfectly appropriate. (Don't get me started on people mixing up envy and jealousy, which are as opposite as bricks and pudding.)

Crush

[This is an update to the Troth page.]
My theory about falling in love and attraction is that it is really just a massive transference, a huge crush. We see ourselves in someone else, but think it is them. Someone said to me recently that the initial attraction phase of a relationship only lasts six months. For me: more like six hundred. I'm still absolutely wild about my wife. I still think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The idea of someone losing that seems very sad to me. My perspective is that people are the most important thing in life and only relationships matter. Feeling lukewarm about someone, what use is that?
But somewhere along the way, we have to realize that at least part of our love / attraction for someone is loving aspects of the self. That's fine. If you eventually see clear through this and fall completely in love with yourself, that's not narcissism, it's necessary. Because then you will realize that you are actually loving the God qualities in yourself, and you will then begin a romance with God. Not there yet. (Only half-way through the 600 months.) But that's what Zulaikha is about. Fana.

Dance Ground

This is the place where I practice Intuitive Movement and dance - a cleared spot in the woods

Dance Ground

First heavy snow of the year - needs help!

Christmas Lights

Angels Watching Over Me

I had been having trouble with my Intuitive Movement practice: I felt like a tree in a gale, with several musics playing and voices of other lifetimes that I had no awareness of, whispering about dance movements... It was pretty distracting and I didn't want it. So I asked God for help, because this practice is really important to me and I had been hindered for a while. Then I heard a quiet voice say, "I've been sent to help you with that." I thought, Oh wow, a new voice! Who are you? She didn't say anything, but I got a glimpse of a small woman with short curly hair (not her face, of course). I thought, OK this is good. The next time I practiced, it was just me, and only one music and I could focus. It wasn't like dancing across the Grand Canyon on a glass bridge anymore. Problem Solved! Don't be afraid to ask for help. (Or, to accept it.)