Troth

The dictionary defines Troth as "one's pledged word." You can stop right here, because that is the full truth of the matter. I am the last person who should write about marriage.


But my given task is to show the falsehood that has grown up around the idea of marriage like a thicket of brambles, so if you are willing to walk with me through a conflagration hot enough to melt a porcelain commode, you are welcome to it. Bear in mind what Rumi said: "We thought the name of Umar meant 'agitator against priests', but in eternity, his name is 'the one who believes'." Also, the Commander who said, "it was necessary to destroy the ship in order to save it." Part of the virulence of what I have to say comes out of the Hetaira side of my nature, looking for a way to support her culture and finding only insanity.


I have some reasons for valuing marriage:

• When I was seven, I was standing outdoors at night with a seven year-old girl, a friend of mine whose family was going to move away. We were holding hands looking up at the stars, and I thought, "I am going to get married." That doesn't sound very deep, but it had the force of a revelation for me. Obviously, marriage had inner meaning to me if I was thinking of it at that age. (No, I never saw my friend again.)
• Another idea is what I call "the Prostitute's dream", which is that someone who feels excluded from deep relationships yearns for at least one, such as marriage: to be an equal with someone.
• A reason that most people can relate to is what I call the Archetypal Symbol function: total commitment to someone - as a calling - and a reflection of our connection with God. It is a built-in 'symbol' of connection, love, oneness.
• The most important reason for me is to connect deeply with another person. I don't know of any other way to be this close to anyone.
• More important yet, if that makes any sense, is what I call Personal Integrity. Beyond all of the 'reasons' and considerations is the idea that I have a duty to my word and my vows, even above my duty to a person. If I am not able to keep my word, then I have no value to anyone. I call this a duty to Truth. [More on that on the Truth page.]

In my study of marriage and what it means, and should be, I have found the ground shifting under my feet, strangely, due to the words of the Masters. My Master said that marriage is man-made, not God-given, which came as rather a shock. How does it square with Matthew 10, where Jesus says that God's plan was seen from the beginning of creation? I confess ignorance. All that I have to go on really is Genesis 2, where woman was taken out of man (the rib) and so for that reason a man and a woman shall be one flesh because God has joined them. I have never understood this, but I get the part about being helpers to each other. What is to hold this Union together, lest it become a House divided against itself?


All of the Masters make it clear that sex was never intended for us by God, that we were intended to bring forth children by Divine creation, as God made us: we are made in His image. But because we fell, we now have to reproduce in the manner of beasts (except a lot more painfully, as God makes clear). So, the Masters further stipulate that sex is for procreation - only. It should not be engaged in by anyone not fertile, or not in a position to care for children, or those not intending to have children. So, everyone who thought that sex was a right of a married person, as it says in 1 Cor 7, re-consider.


If there will be no sex in marriage, how then does it differ from any other committed relationship? Clearly, parent-child relationships are not optional - you are not free to abandon your child, or disrespect your parents (which is also in the Bible). But we choose to marry someone. It is said to be a 'partnership', a word that I associate only with business interactions, so that is not a useful explanation to me. Genesis 2 says that we should help each other. But can't we help anyone? There are friendships deeper than and outlasting some marriages. Shall we abandon those also? What exactly did God have in mind putting together man and woman, when A) they are so very likely to have sex, and B) they are so very different, to the point of incomprehensibility? What was this plan? The Bible doesn't spell out what exactly marriage is. It only says what it is not. And leaving out sex gives no real way for the two people to connect any more deeply than friends do, or business associates. If more was meant, and sex was not supposed to be the way to keep two people close enough to sustain a lifetime commitment, then we need a clearer picture, one that works for people of all ages, not just the wise (and perhaps less sexually inclined).


Another statement that I find perplexing is that my Master said that Adam and Eve erred by being intimate with each other. I assume that the full meaning of the term is meant, and not just a euphemism for sex. So now we were never meant to be close, either? Marriage is just a business arrangement for having babies? Where does it leave the people who don't wish to or cannot have children? They should be utterly alone for their whole lives? I don't buy the idea that I am supposed to be intimate only with God: God has me for all eternity, can't he let me get close to someone else for one lifetime? We already know that marriage does not follow us when we pass: "They neither marry nor are given in marriage." So, if this is my only chance to get close to someone, I for one don't intend to give it up.


The only valid thing we are left with is personal integrity: I will stay with you because I said I would, no matter what, and with no expectation of any kind. [See the 'This' page of the Loyal Butterfly site.] Given that, I can't see why adultery is really any different of a problem from any other one, particularly when we are not meant to be having sex in the first place. People say that adultery "breaks the trust in the relationship", but the trust is meant to be given as unconditional love, without any obligation of the other person. A failing is only them being Human: why single out adultery? Because it arises from a lack in the straying spouse's personal integrity? But so do all errors. There is no ground to make an exception. Only insanity - the other person being incapable of knowing what a commitment is - would make any sense. But then, they are 'sick', and the vows say we must stay with them in sickness and in health. You can't have a breach of trust if you offered it unilaterally, as a consequence of your inner being, with no conditions on it.


The movie "The House of Flying Daggers" is a love story (what else with a title like that?) with two men loving one woman. They are adversaries, so you know it can't work out. The story was wonderful, but I was completely stunned into shock while watching the interview with the Director (Chinese with English dub and subtitles) where he said, "Earthly love hinders the inner world of these characters." OK. Let's turn the whole concept of "love" on its head! I still stand amazed at this statement: it just twists my mind into a pretzel. Of course, it is so true. They get into a deadly conflict, over love. They start to question their loyalties, their life's purpose, everything, over love. They wonder how to reconcile these contradictions, and it is hopeless. Love turns out to be "the impossible dream" in this world. Like Quantum Mechanics: "those who are not shocked by it have not understood it." Perhaps this is what we've been warned about. If you haven't struggled in your marriage, then you are not a participant. If you think there is a solution, you are a fool. It hinders your inner world, which is the only world that really matters, because at that nexus, you are connected with everyone. Hinder that and you can kiss love goodbye!


Have we saved the ship? Are we any closer to seeing what Marriage is, having disposed of what it is not? Apparently we are simply being allowed a concession to our humanity, for not being at a state of development to go beyond marriage (and sex?). If you are unhappy with me for writing this, I suggest you begin again at the top. And then, as Elijah said, "Do it the third time." I welcome your comments.


[The first draft of this came out pretty vitriolic, which is quite unlike me: gentle in strength and truth, remember? So after a short inner conversation with God and Guru, I was told "You will not be held to a standard that you are unable to meet." That was reassuring, and I felt much better. This is part of the reason behind the 24 hour rule - sleep and re-read before posting! Two sleeps works best for my mental integration. In the Truth page the wider context of this issue is addressed.]